grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
is it fun? or sober?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
