I think I died a long time ago.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
