so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
