The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
i've created a new STD.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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