I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
