Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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