Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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