the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
