I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
