oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
