I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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