One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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