So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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