a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
