HIV tests are more positive than that guy
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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