My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
