Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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