i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
