he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
