Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
