She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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