Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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