i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
