You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
