Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
