If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Never joke about your clitoris.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
