Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Holy shit dude........stairs
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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