my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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