I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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