Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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