you're like a bully in the Christmas story
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
