he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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