Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
