your thong is hanging out like whoa
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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