Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
