I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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