Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
We need a shit load of segways right now
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
