I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
