idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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