Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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