..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
