If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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