All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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