I accidentally burped into my bong.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
