Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
