I wanna passion pit in your ass
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
