Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
