Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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