i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
