new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
