i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Randomize
